Letters

Dear Rachel,

I hope you play better today. But I hope more that you enjoy your play today. This might upset you but I was never really into winning or losing. I always loved just watching you play - when you were just playing the game and using your own abilities. And when the object of the game is to get the ball into the goal, and you play just to get it in goal, not to add up a score but to get it into the goal. I loved the goals they always give me chills simply because it is the object of the game - not because it makes you win. And then when you are playing to keep the goals from the other team, and you just block them because it is the object of the game not so they do not get points, or so you don't lose, but you play just to keep it out simply because that is the object of the game. I love that too.

What I took from today was pretty simple - half the battle is your presence and your voice - you touch the ball, on a good day, for about a minute during a 70 minute game - so unless you are an absolute magician on the ball, you make your impact in all the unnoticed actions away from the ball. How you stand, where you stand, what you say and how you say it - you can change the world, ignite a fire, or inspire a teammate in those seemingly insignificant moments.  Its powerful. Its more than a way to play the game - its a way to live. By your Presence and voice. 

Dear Rachel,

It is so funny though I used to pray for you guys to win games or for me to win the lottery, but as I grew I realized that they weren't good prayers because if my prayers were answered it may change the outcome of a better life, but maybe losing a game or a little bit of money makes us who we are. So now I pray to have the outcome be whatever is best for who is involved and trust that we will get through it.

Sometimes, I have to remember to thank God for defeat. I grow from failure, and heartache. The greatest triumphs always grow from loss, from being cut, from not being good enough. Failure makes us grow. I thank God for the losses because I know He believes I can be better, not just as a athlete, but as a competitor, a teammate, a person. I used to hate losing. Like I couldn't stand myself if I lost - now I view it as a necessary means of improvement, a challenge, a way of bettering what and who I am so I can give better to the world.

Dear Rachel,

Mom said she always sleeps best when she has one of her babies sleeping with her. She said that "in the middle of the night Rachel used to pull out my little workout mat and set up a bed right next to me on the ground." 

I laughed about the mat, I'd forgotten about it. I had a lot of night terrors. I was scared of the dark. I tried sleeping in her bed, but I felt suffocated in the middle of Mom and Dad. I needed space, so I did the next best thing, I slept on the floor. I felt safe in their room. No evil, no terror, could touch me. And on the floor, I was safe yet still free. If the fright fled me, I could return to my bed, without disturbing anyone. Its funny, my use of that mat sums pretty much sums me up.  I need the comfort of love and freedom of space. Sometimes, those needs fight against each other - the protecting love of my family and the freedom to create my own existence. I haven't quite found the balance. I am sorting my way through life and learning through experience. Maybe that is what its all about - live, learn, apply, grow - and then do it all over again.

Dear Rachel,

Through this whole process if there is one thing I realized is that I have the best support system in the entire world: my siblings. We really do have something so magical and special that only we share. 

Dear Sister,

Please come visit. I live right by the bay in a city. I have a job, a team, and some friends. I have sunshine. The only thing I am missing is my family - the people I love most in this world. But I carry you with me where-ever I am - you live in the fabric of who I am. 

And there is so much I want to say to you, and hopefully, one day, I will have the chance to say it all. But it all falls under the one roof that has housed us all our lives, the roof that shielded us from the storm and carried us through the dark.

I Love You.

Dear Rachel,

You my daughter are a complex simple person, you have all the makings of simplicity however there is a pull for something more. But I think as you age you will realize it and it will all flow together.

Sometimes, well a lot of the time, I forget to give love. I lose perspective. I get caught up in all the expectation of what life could be - who I could be with, what I could be doing, and where I am going next. I get caught up searching for love and happiness when really its right inside of me, all the time, if I am willing and courageous enough to accept it.

Dear Rachel,

Let your little sister give you some advice as a retired athlete - value every moment, even the tough ones. Even the mornings it is hard to get up, the track workouts and just everything that goes with it. I miss it a lot and wish I took in more of the lessons that come with sport. I wish I took it less for granted.

Dear Sister,

I found joy in my teammates today. In the rain, in hockey, in the simple comfort of friends - the ones who know you, what you desire and why you hurt because they have been with you through so many ups and down. 

I found love in a place it has always been. Inside of me. I found it for the people I am with and for the thing that brings us together. Sport. I found it in the rain. I found it in myself, in who I am, how I live, and the journey I am on. I found it for life, for God, and for the fact that this is all we have. Each other.