Saturday, October 15, 2016

Friday, October 14, 2016

A Year Ago, Today - October 14

My name is Rachel. It's my name. It's not who I am. I like to do yoga. I like to dance, and be goofy. I like deep, passionate conversation. I like laughing. I like drinking. Coffee, water, IPA's. I'm not sure what I want to be when I grow up. I'm not sure if I'll ever grow up. I think I'll just grow. Whatever way I'm meant to. One day, I'd like to write a book. Every time I start, I stop. Everyone says they want to be normal. I don't know what normal is. Do you? When I think too hard, I scrunch my shoulders up toward my ears. It makes my head hurt. I love a lot of people. I love them a lot. I wonder if they know I love them. I gave a bum 25 cents today. I had 25 cents to give. I like to dream. My mom is gentle. My dad has charisma. I have both.

Thursday, October 13, 2016

A Year Ago, Today - October 13

There are no journal entries for the next couple days. I went somewhere. On a hiatus. Tucked myself away in the comfort of busyness. A year ago today would have been a Monday. That meant morning lift, afternoon training. Monday meant submerging myself back in the 'Rat Race.'

Yesterday, I went to yoga. A friend made an observation. You feel energy, yet you fixate on the negative energy, she said. I didn't say anything. What can you say when something just is. I struggle with balance. I have a wobbly disposition. I grasp for the clarity of extremes. I indulge in the Rat Race. I struggle with gray, with the unsaid, the unexpressed. And yet I, myself, leave so much unsaid because there are certain things that are inexpressible in words alone.

Take connection, for example. Its just a felt experience of another person's energy. A healthy permeability within the boundaries of bodies that offer a pathway for the free flow of energy, the exchange of ideas, the synthesis of divergence, the acceptance of love. When that permeability isn't healthy, it opens too much, or closes to rigidly, or oscillates inconsistently, energy becomes unstable, stuck or stale. Connection becomes impossible. When that happens, I force. I put effort into finding balance and creating connection, and in the very effort, the delicate, divine nuance of balance and connection elude me. The word surrender keeps popping up in my heart. Its funny isn't it, war doesn't end with the victory of battle, it ends with surrender. I keep trying to land in life, to be someone, to do something, maybe its time to sit back, express, surrender and just let life land on me.